Sister Mary Jane

Thank you, God.  I was smoking disgusting resin the last few days after I didn’t plan for my dealer’s vacation out of town. This guy pretty much never leaves the city, or even his house for that matter.  Mr. Agoraphobic.  But I knew and didn’t plan accordingly.

Sometimes I can quit for several days.  Like I even went on vacation for 10 days, and I didn’t think about it at all.  But for some reason, for some unpredictable reason, I run out and launch into a panic attack sometimes. Mister finally talked to a friend who got some for me.  

Ahhh.

This weekend I went to a barbecue at a friends house.  While we were sitting out on the deck, my friend’s three-year-old daughter brought a sandwich bag out of the house and started filling it with fresh leaves. Someone said, just like daddy, and we all laughed.  

Until she put a toy ladle in it and announced that it was her pipe.  Everyone was silent.  My friend who is a stay-at-home dad turned red and took the bag away from her.

He said, “I don’t know where she got that.  I don’t even smoke out of pipe.”

His wife glared at him and said, “Yes you do.”

We left shortly after that.

I always tell myself that if I have kids I won’t smoke pot anymore.  It’s easy to say, but I wonder if I would really be able to do it.  Fortunately (and unfortunately) I doubt I’ll ever have to make that choice.  I sort of wish I did.

I made it to day 4, but then I stumbled.  This is how it usually goes.  I’m embarrassed that I can’t even make it a week.  I make it a few days and then I always seem to find a reason to succumb.  

I start out thinking I will just do it one time.  Then two times.  And so on.  

My excuse this time?  Mr. got food poisoning and was throwing up for three hours straight.  I felt helpless. He was seriously pissed off at the world.  I knew it wasn’t about me, but his anger still felt so wounding.  

I smoked during the day, breaking my previous rule of not smoking until Mr. gets home from work.

Technically, he’s not at work though. Unless it’s his new job to projectile vomit for hours on end.

This is my third day not smoking pot.  While I realize this is no big deal for others, it is for me.

This is about the time when I start feeling like I have an itch, but don’t know where to scratch.  Like I’m suddenly dwarfed by this big empty space in my life.

I don’t even know how to explain it, except to say that I don’t know what to do with myself without it.  It throws my rhythm off.  I feel unmotivated.  I feel unmotivated when I’m smoking pot too, but this is a less comfortable version.

Uncomfortable.  That’s part of the problem.  I almost feel like I could handle it if I was puking my guts out and dealing with the shakes.  But with pot addiction, withdrawal is so subtle.  It makes it easy to ignore, to push my viewpoint to the other side of the blackboard.

Which I would gladly do except my lungs are really fucked up.  They hurt every day.  After only three days of not smoking, they feel a little better.  My sinuses don’t hurt.  I can breathe through my nose.  Is it enough to keep me sober?

I feel really alone.  Those people I smoke with aren’t interested in me quitting.  They love me, but they have a whole system of rationalization for their usage in their heads .  Even the Mr.  I can’t disagree with their reasons either.  I think pot helped me through some tough times, was a life saver.  Maybe it’s doing that for them too.  It just isn’t working for me anymore.  They are also the ones who tell me that you can’t get addicted to marijuana.  Umm, okay.

Then there are a whole slew of friends and family that don’t even know I smoke at all.  My mother would probably equate smoking pot with slamming heroin and freak out.  I’d get fired if my employer knew.  

I feel myself leaning toward it.  We have some here, and I could spark up right now.  I can feel the rationalizations bubbling in my head.  I’ll just do it this once.  I’ll just do it once a week.  I can’t stop.  I don’t know how much longer I can last.  The longest I went without smoking was 8 months once about 5 years ago.  It was kind of awful and I gained 60 lbs.  

I don’t know what to do.

What is about stoner guys that makes them all want to be the Macgyver of bong making?

Fruit, pvc pipe, aquarium pumps, children’s toys, dryer hose, duct tape, paper clips, bic pens and empty drink bottles are not safe around these guys. 

I’ve seen dudes (and it’s always dudes) make bongs out of a Nintendo, a doll, a light bulb, a rubber ducky and an empty Coors party ball.  I read about a guy who made a bong out of a traffic cone and a trash can of water.  

But none of these guys have anything on these three idiots who robbed the grave of an 11-year-old boy to use the skull as a bong.  Even I’m not that big of a stoner.